Note: This is the script for The Island of Dr. Moreau - A Popcorn Lobotomy Scathing Review. It contains stuff that didn't make it into the original review, and may have differences due to editing. I hope you enjoy seeing where an episode starts and how it sometimes drifts away from some of the original ideas.
PCL – The Island of Dr Moreau
Int. Cinema. Dark.
(watching end credits, turns to camera, his face is half cat half human)
I just watched The Island of Dr Moreau.
(someone presses a button and Harv gets an electric shock)
Shots of movie with V.O.
You know, I really suffer for my art. The Island of Dr. Moreau is well known as one of the worst movies of all time, so of course I had to review it.
But man, I mean FUCK this movie. It was tougher to get through than the time my highschool sweetheart stomped on my balls with 12” heels until my scrotum was a useless pile of bloody meat strips. I mean, I guess that was partially my fault for not establishing a safe word with her right at the start, but I thought it was a bit harsh when she later decided to leave me during my birthday dinner because my pock-mark-riddled junk was rendered unable to produce children, you know?
Anyway, we were talking about Battlefield Earth, right?
Show weird blue scene that looks like Battlefield Earth.
Sorry, no, wait, that’s right I mean “The Island of Dr Moreau.”
So before you all start making excuses for this movie, lets agree upfront that there was oodles of potential for this to be a much better movie.
In fact, when I first heard about The Island of Dr Moreau, it felt like they were assembling the perfect band.
You've got a song penned by rock legend HG Wells (he can write a bit, that guy), with music arranged and produced by veteran hitmaker John Frankenheimer (maybe you’re not a fan of The Manchurian Candidate, but c’mon, he made a movie called "The Amazing Seaman" in 1969 -- the guy's got a sense of humour!), all thrown into a studio together with an awesome ensemble of musical talent!
You've got Marlon Brando on lead vocals, David Thewlis on lead guitar, Val Kilmer on keyboards and master percussionist Stan Winston on drums.
But somehow this assemblage of powerful talent created some kind of great confjunction of shitness that overwhelmed the filmic universe and produced what is now known as one of the biggest disasters in film history.
I guess we all heard about the production problems with this movie. Val Kilmer had wife troubles, Marlon Brando was his usual fuckwit self and Richard Stanley, the writer / director who had fought to get the movie made for a shit-bunch of years, managed to get himself fired for incompetence four days into filming, and blah blah blah and oooh it fucking RAINED and shit and boo-fucking hoo, woe to me, excuses excuses excuses!!
Fuck all that! A movie is a movie, right? It has to stand on it’s own two feet, just like Veronica did in her heels punching holes in my scrotum like wet tissue paper.
You don’t get a pass because a movie is hard to make. ALL movies are hard to make.
How does Val Kilmer’s problems with his wife excuse the fact that the set designers hooked up a bag of piss to the IV in this scene?
Does Brando having a minor psychotic break and insisting on wearing ghost face makeup and silly hats excuse the fact that there’s a character that looks exactly like a Freddy Kreuger’s left testicle?
And pray tell, how the FUCK does having the previously fired director running around the set in a hooded cloak and a latex dog mask, stalking people with a fire axe and a can of petrol, excuse abysmal CGI like THIS!?
(00:25:16 Terrible CGI)
You know, if it really was just all too hard, maybe they should have considered putting the poor movie out of it’s misery, eh?
Execution scene (00:45:26)
When you watch Moreau, it’s almost hard to believe the movie had a greenlit budget and a script, no matter how distracted the people working on it became.
For instance, the bit where the werewolf from Harry Potter notices the communication tower and Iceman from Top Gun says
"The problem is nobody can fix it but me and it was down before I left"
I mean, we all love a bit of foreshadowing, but that’s akin to having chicks in tight dresses walking up and down the cinema aisles handing out the last dozen pages of the script.
And I know that’s sexist, but I sat through The Island of Dr Moreau for this, so please don’t begrudge me the chicks in tight dresses.
Or the bit where the dude holds a flower in his mouth and then pins it on the other dude?
I mean, I’m no homophobic, but to me it’s weird when a dude pins a spit covered flower on another dude, no matter what the context.
Point being all these things were in the script. They weren’t made up when everyone arrived on set, they were all planned and storyboarded well in advance, and deliberately included in the movie.
Sure, you could probably blame the switch in directors for the subtle inconsistencies in tone – this movie switches between intellectual sci-fi, campy comedy and hardcore horror more often than the boar face guy has clean his chin hairs – but if you’re going to engage Stan Winston to turn up and do a bunch of complicated makeup effects, you’ve pretty much gotta follow the plan.
And you just know the plan was something they didn’t want to screw up, because Moreau was one of the first films to really normallise the Human Genetic Engineering agenda!
That's right peeps! You just know they are fucking with your genetics like mad scientists in an alien lab! Why wouldn't they? Their doctrine is to do whatever is necessary to achieve their goals. They don't follow the rules, fuck they wrote 'em, they'll use whatever tools they can to keep us subserviant, inferior and under their control, splicing and dicing our DNA, putting shit the water, spraying chemtrails in our skies, and sucking all the nutrients out of our food until they’ve rendered us a subspecies of pathetic imp-like creatures that will barely wimper to resist the brutal tyrannical Neo-Feudalist Dictatorship they are planning to inflict upon us. Wanna fight back? You won’t have the strength as you’ll be reduced to a hunchbacked halfling with the intellectual capacity of a Dengue-ridden mosquito, with no will or motivation to do anything but serve your elite overlord Gods.
I dunno, maybe the movie was better than we all think. I mean, I suppose if you took a big enough hit of whacky tobaccy, you could argue it preaches a valuable message of tolerance in the face of physical difference.
I guess the direction wasn’t THAT bad. He managed to produce one of the best Marlon Brando impersonations I’ve seen in a while. Admittedly, it’s a bit weird that it’s actually Marlon Brando himself doing it.
And I guess Stan Winston did a decent job under the circumstances. With a mere 14” of makeup and prosthetics, he managed to transform Ron Pearlman into a guy that looks almost exactly like Ron Pearlman.
Maybe the world just wasn’t quite ready for a campy version of Planet of the Apes. Give it 10 more years, Stanley, then have another crack. Maybe by then Hollywood will have imploded to the point that this kind of jumbled tripe will be viewed as a breath of fresh air?
Or maybe, just a tweak of the soundtrack could have saved it?
00:25:13 Scene set to the tune of MAGICAL MR MYSTOFENY?