Note: This is the script for Sucker Punch - A Popcorn Lobotomy Scathing Review. It contains stuff that didn't make it into the original review, and may have differences due to editing. I hope you enjoy seeing where an episode starts and how it sometimes drifts away from some of the original ideas.
PCL – Sucker Punch
Int. Cinema. Dark.
(watching end credits, turns to camera)
I just watched Sucker Punch.
(hits kicked in face by high heeled foot attached to long leg barely covered by short skirt)
Shots of movie with V.O.
For all of you whiny bitches complaining this show has too much popcorn and not enough lobotomy, today is your lucky fucking day. Because I’ve finally decided to review a movie that has an actual lobotomy in it.
And since I'm a bit of a dirtbag, I figured why not endulge my dick and make it the one movie I know that includes both the aforementioned ice pick to the eye, and more up-skirts than you can poke a tube of KY jelly at.
You might be forgiven for expecting Sucker Punch to be a John-Woo-esque "girl power" femo action movie, but one you can easily forgive because it’s really just an excuse to have girls flash their undies while high-kicking dudes in the face.
And you’d be pretty much spot on.
From the perspective of girls kicking ass, this movie can take it's place amongst other feminist classics like Thelma and Louise, Jennifer's Body, Charlie's Angels and Chicks in Bikinis with Big Guns 9.
But the big kick to the nuts that Sucker Punch brings to the table is that it completely undermines any “girl power” message by having all the action take place in the imagination of a completely helpless girl getting raped and lobotomized by a bunch of evil dudes.
So it's pretty easy to ignore the pseudo-feminist message and see it as the high-production sexploitation flick that it really is.
And seriously, if you're a hetrosexual male... or bisexual, or lesbian... or LG with TB... bascially anyone who has interest in seeing a ladies' private parts, you're going to want to see Sucker Punch in full HD.
The problem is that the movie is always distracting you from a completely adequate game of spot-the-flange by insisting that each action fantasy scene actually represents another event in the real world. Or, even worse, an intellectual idea of some kind.
And yes, I said intellectual. Because this film appears to be some kind of metaphor for... well something to do with inter-generational child abuse, mental illness, or dissociative identity disorder... some shit like that.
Actually, I'm guessing this was Zach Snyder's first time trying his hand at allegory, because to be honest his metaphor is never entirely clear.
I mean, yes, I get that the movie depicts a girl facing the terrifying spectre of a lobotomy procedure and, as emotional defense, creating a fantasy world where she kicks ass, flashes vag and eventually finds a way to break free -- in her mind at least.
And I’m fine with that.
But then, after establshing that simple premise and getting the audience on board, the movie fucks you around by a lack of consistency and internal logic that would make even Salvadore Dali say WTF.
[white board / explanation scene]
OK, so let me try to explain this movie for ya.
Like you’re a six year old. (Philadelphia reference)
You remember the wizard of OZ, right? OK, so it's basically an over-engineered reimagining of that... but it happens in several layers of fantasy, kinda like Inception. And with nauseating confusion like Vanilla Sky. But instead of a tornado in the real world, it's a girl getting lobotomized. And instead of dream within a dream, it's fantasy within a fantasy. And Tom Cruise isn't in it. And instead of the tin man, cowardly lion and straw man, it's, er... some giant samauris, zombie nazis and some left over robot designs from a bad Will Smith movie. Oh yeah, and they fight instead of holding hands and skipping. And... upskirts.
OK, got it?
Anyway, Sucker Punch's action scenes are well-choreographed, creative and pretty -- they are also completely fucking pointless. Because since the movie makes it very clear the entire thing is fantasy, there are no stakes and you're left to admire them as vacuous artistic upskirt spectacle.
Even though Snyder tries to make a vague link between the outcomes from the fantasy world with the real world, the problem is that the real world is fantasy too, so who really gives a fuck about anything for 99% of the movie's running time?
And while we're talking about fantasy, what the fuck? In order to escape being lobomized, Babydoll fantasized about being an high-class orphan hooker. And because that fantasy is so traumatizing, she has to dissociate again into a world where she's a kickass action hero.
So she makes her first fantasy so shit, she has to double-dissociate?! Nice one Babydoll you fucking moron!
I hope you’re not planning to write female erotic literature anytime soon! For fuck's sake, you’d probably write about grinning midget clowns riding on oversized tricycles or something?
So the movie is just a series of random fantasy action scenes, punctuated with bits of an orphanage escape story, all tied together by the main character getting an ice pick hammered into her brain and becoming a zombie.
There is even this weird subplot where they talk about who is truly the "main character" of the movie. And fuck me, it turns out it's not even babydoll but the unlikeable rival girl Sweet Pea that was played the role of soft antagonist for most of the film.
I mean, talk about breaking the fourth wall! But then again, in a movie as disjointed and nonsensical as Sucker Punch, can you even talk in walls? If there are any walls in this fucking movie, they are padded white ones.
Let’s face it, there’s only one thing that makes sense of the entire movie and leaves no doubt what the metaphor truly refers to!
(mind control conspiracy rant)
Because it’s all just an expose of the hideous and inhumane practices undertaken during the process of Monarch mind control, an MK Ultra-based technique developed and implemented by the elite puppermasters of the world to transform the general population into zombies and their own children into disciplined, hyper-talented, empathy-free individuals who can robotically carry on the family line and perform the necessary evil acts without consicence or memory.
That’s right elites, we know what you’re up to, experimenting on innocent people and your own flesh and blood, shattering their minds into multiple dissociative personalities using horrific techniques of drugs, rape and torture that can barely be imagined by the unindoctrinated masses. Creating a virtual factory of genius savants, military trained assassins and bombshell sex kitten starlets, just like Marilyn Monroe, Mia Farrow, Britney Spears and all the other beta programmed celebrity goddesses thrust upon us by the mainstream media!
Oh we know all about the MK Ultra mind control experiments of the 50s, elites, we’ve researched, we know you didn’t phase them out. That’s right, elites, we’re keeping tabs! You can’t take a BREATH without us knowing!
Anyway, after a bunch of pointless fantasy hijinks, the movie snaps back to the earlier scene from the mental hospital from which babydoll launched her original fantasy, and the doctor unceremoniously goes through with the lobotomy.
But strangely, it seems certain elements of her fantasy actually happened in that reality too, and there’s some shit implying Babydoll has some kind of spirit of defiance remaining inside her, eventhough she’s clearly been transformed into a zombified grinning idiot.
So in the end, you're left scratching your fucking head about who the real hero is, what the fuck really happened in what reality, and what it all meant.
The only thing you can be sure of is that, if you traced Zack Snyder's credit card transactions, they'd almost certainly lead to a website that offers used panties from genuine Japanese schoolgirls.