Note: This is the script for Mad Max: Fury Road - A Popcorn Lobotomy Scathing Review. It contains stuff that didn't make it into the original review, and may have differences due to editing. I hope you enjoy seeing where an episode starts and how it sometimes drifts away from some of the original ideas.
PCL – Mad Max Fury Road
Int. Cinema. Dark.
(watching end credits, turns to camera, his face is painted white with black eyes)
I just watched Mad Max Fury Road.
(a small spear comes out of nowhere and pierces his skull)
Shots of movie with V.O.
So while you’re all salivating like Pavarotti’s dogs (yeah, Pavarotti’s dogs – I guess dogs drool when they hear the great tenors or something?) at the prospect of a Mad Max Fury Road sequel, I’m left scratching my head.
I mean, how exactly did this movie become such a fan favourite? And more to the point, how did it’s popularity end up moving the cigar-chomping, top-hat-wearing out-of-touch stiffs at The Academy to vote for the fucking thing?
Maybe it’s because I’m just not into impractically pimped up vehicles, or people in whacky children’s facepaint screaming all their lines, but I just didn’t get much out of Mad Max Fury Road.
And I’m sorry, I know it’s popular, I know this is probably going to piss you all off... but I just don’t think one long car chase sequence deserves to be called a movie, no matter how well it’s executed, and it CERTAINLY doesn’t deserve to pick up anything but technical awards.
Look, I’m probably just wired a little differently from others when it comes to action in films – I’ve known this ever since I went to see The Perfect Storm and fell asleep as soon as the storm started – but I’m rarely this disconnected from the mainstream when it comes to such overwhelming hits like Fury Road.
But, disconnected I am. So I’m going to have to cane it. See, I don’t have a choice! I HAVE to do this, because this is the RIGHT THING to do. I’m a soldier in a way against Hollywood fucktardery, and the fight wages on whether I like it or not! So here are my thoughts on Mad Max Fury Road.
OK, so obviously some of the action is cool and there are some pretty CGI backgrounds – but without the grounding of an post-2nd-grade-level story and characters I can vaguely relate to, it’s all as pointless as
Seriously, who gives a shit if Tom Hardy gets hit with an exploding spear if we don’t even know who he is or why he’s driving recklessly around the desert like Dodi Fayed on a severe acid trip?
Yes, there’s a basic functioning backstory where Max’s wife and kid get their faces mushed at what appears to be a monster truck rally -- but you could count the screen time devoted to it in frames.
And of course, that’s just Max. None of the other characters even get a few frames of flashback to explain their presence in the story or to motivate us to care about them.
So Mad Max paints a dystopic picture of a post-apocalyptic world where people seem be willing to go that extra mile to maximise the risk of losing an eye.
But despite all the sharp edges and hard surfaces, people drive around like maniacs, doing ridiculous stunts and taking really unnecessary risks in a chaotic effort to blow each other up for... I dunno... reasons.
Our hero Max spends much of his time chained up, gagged and mounted on the front of a car like some kind of glorified hood ornament.
But when we find his gag finally removed, he still opts to communicate in gestures and grunts, even when he’s threatening to shotgun the tits off a bunch of innocent young girls if they don’t follow his poorly gesticulated instructions.
And why not? It’s like a fun mix of charades and russian roulette.
Of course it’s all part of the film’s decision to tell it’s story is a purely visual fashion, right? Like the silent films of old? And hasn’t THAT garnered respect from critics and audiences alike? Oh minimal dialog, how fucking clever, wow, regale us some more George Miller you fucking maestro!
Maybe while you’re here, you could explain to me why a movie with minimal dialog makes time to include lines like "now we bring home the booty" and "he’s a crazy smeg who eats shlanger"?
And you know, I use the term "story" in the losest of terms here, because Mad Max is a story about a bunch of people who go somewhere to find something, find it’s not there and go back to where they started.
Along the way, the most vulnerable and innocent of them, including a pregnant girl and a nice old lady, are killed by a gang of pole vaulting mimes. Then again you could well argue that the pregnant girl didn’t die because she was being chased by circus freaks, but that she slipped to her death because that cunt Mad Max shot her in the leg earlier in the film.
And what about our hero, Max? We really only know he’s the hero because his name is in the title of the film and they keep showing him in closeup. The rest of the time, he’s generally abused, neutered and emasculated while the women use him as a fleshy human shield.
The real hero of the story is Furiosa played by Charlize Theron with raw toughness and testosterone-driven masculinity, even if she does look almost exactly like “that boy, Frank” from Sling Blade most of the time.
And here we go, I’m going to be accused of being sexist here, but fuck it, there’s a larger agenda at play, even if you refuse to acknowledge it, and it’s time to expose the agenda that has enslaved humanity for centuries...
Because you just know the elites don’t care about the duality-based black or white paradigms they are selling and we all buy into. They deliberately cultivate and foster our differences to create division and disharmony rendering us incapable of mounting an effective resistance to the tyranny and manipulation they subject us to on a daily basis.
Feminism is just one of those baseless memes, and they’ve used it to great affect, breaking up the family, creating conflict between the sexes and distracting the masses from issues that actually affect our progression as a society.
It’s not about basic gender equality or fairness it’s about the Rockerfeller funded and CIA actioned militant organization called Feminism, a pseudo-religion of false beliefs and dichotomies that generate nothing but anger, hatred and social shame.
That’s right, you didn’t burn your bra for freedom or to fight oppression, you burned it for Edward Bernays and his propoganda machine, designed and funded by the elite families to further the differential advantage they’ve played throughout the centuries to keep their families in power and the masses in a confused, misguided stupour.
Not to mention the fact that having women join the workforce widened the tax base and increased the pool of serf workers to help the elite classes continue their domination of the planet and exploitation of natural resources for their own financial benefit, all the while continuing to indoctrinate our kids to accept their authority while we’re distracted fighting amongst ourselves over who left the toilet seat up or who’s turn it is to set the VCR to record House of Cards.
And by the way. It’s your turn.
Anyway, so... this piece of shit movie I just described has now won some Oscars. I guess you're all pretty fucking pleased with yourselves, are ya? Changed the face of the Oscars and all that? Pushed through the typical movie snobbery of the Academy Award voters to get recognition for a fan favourite popcorn flick?
But think about it. What have you DONE? I hear a lot of people concerned that the Deadpool movie will spawn a whole bunch of R-Rated comic book movies with shoehorned violence, profanity and nudity.
But what about Mad Max? What types of movies will the cigar chomping Hollywood execs be emboldened to pursue as a result of it's success, huh?
Now it's 100% fucking proven that movies don't need story, character or subtlety to win awards. All you need to do is hire a bunch of fucking Olympic pole vaulters and Javelin chuckers to bounce around like fuckwits while you blow shit up and bring on the Oscar glory.
So get ready for a sting of inferior sequels and copycats, and don’t come whining to me when you realise that films have become devoid of story, character or a coherent narrative in favour of flashy action and effects.
Because in this life, we reap what we sow.