Note: This is the script for Jupiter Ascending - A Popcorn Lobotomy Scathing Review. It contains stuff that didn't make it into the original review, and may have differences due to editing. I hope you enjoy seeing where an episode starts and how it sometimes drifts away from some of the original ideas.
PCL – Jupiter Ascending
Int. Cinema. Dark.
(watching end credits, turns to camera)
I just watched Jupiter Ascending.
(takes off on rocket boots)
Shots of movie with V.O.
My girlfriend and I have a deal. We both maintain a list of 5 virtually unattainable celebrities we’d like to bed and grant each other unrestricted permission to pursue sex with those people at will, without it being considered cheating.
Tanning Chatum is on her list, and Mila Kunis is on mine, so you’d think we’d be able to find SOME way to enjoy Jupiter Ascending, which stars both.
But to be honest, even if Kunis had had a full frontal explicit sex scene in this movie, I’d probably still opt to renew my lifetime membership to Mr Skin to see it, rather than sit through Jupiter Ascending.
So here we go, another stinker from the Wachowskis, who showed such early promise with Bound and the Matrix. But since then, apart from V for Vendetta, it seems their primary goal has been to prove that their early genius was a miraculous fluke and that their real talent is providing soul-crushing disappointment – in which case, Jupiter Ascending is truly their fucking magnum opus!
You know, I must say, whenever I talk about the Wachowski... er... siblings? I feel nervous, like I'm walking through a room littered with pools of doggy diahorrea trying to avoid getting any on my new ultra-expensive Jimmy Choo heels.
The political correctness complexities that crop up surrounding their gender-bending activities is almost impossible to navigate for layman like myself. I'm hearing now the fat one is a woman too? Oh great, so now I have to decide if I call them “the Wachowski Sisters”, keep it simple with “the Wachowskis”, or mix in politically correct terms I don’t really understand, like “the Wachowski LGBTs”.
Aaand, I’ve just offended gay people, women, transsexuals and... fat people, haven’t I? See what I’m sayin’ ?
Do you guys remember those rare BTS interviews with the Wachowski (what are we calling them now? “The Wachowski LGBTs?”) from the original Matrix DVD? I do, I remember them saying that they took every idea they had ever had and poured it into that first epic movie.
Well, they appear to have taken that approach with Jupiter Ascending, too, except this time time they appear to have gotten their ideas from a homeless, alcoholic paranoid conspiracy theorist who was presumably paid in capfuls of methylated spirits and a lifetime supply of tin foil.
The vast chasm between The Matrix and... well, almost everything the Wachowski’s have done since... is so inexplicable that it has spawned its own conspiracy culture. There are entire websites and YouTube channels dedicated to exposing the truth behind who REALLY created the Matrix, because it's obvious these two hacks could never have done it!
So you'll be happy to know, there will be no such controversy over the true author of Jupiter Ascending. Nope, this is definitely the Wachowski's work: epic, ambitious and... well, an unfocussed, nonsensical mess that fails on almost all fronts.
It’s almost as if the Wachowskis looked at what Marvel and DC were doing, puffed up their now breast-laden chests, and said “fuck building WORLDs, we’re gonna build an entire UNIVERSE!”
But the catch is, their universe seems to be completely constructed from random details ripped from crazy Earth-bound conspiracy lore.
I mean, the movie contains, grey aliens, reptilians, humans as food, and the kind of over-arching alien world domination agenda that it feels ripped right out a particularly paranoid David Icke lecture.
You know David Icke, right? The guy that believes the moon is a hollow alien base housing reptilian aliens called Archons -- and that George Bush and his cronies are all genetic human hybrids of these dudes, who live on Earth to control our lives and generally spread evil.
Actually come to think of it, he also believes we live in a Matrix.
Hmm... Maybe he and the Wachowskis have weird parties and share their material in dark back-rooms? Fuck, this movie is making ME paranoid now!
Or... yeah... maybe it's just another poorly executed, ham-fisted, LSD-inspired retelling of the Cinderella fairy tale...
Anyway, don't get me wrong, I'm a normal dude with healthy dreams and desires, so I fantasize about having a galactic princess that looks as hot as Mila Kunis cleaning my toilet as much as the next guy. It's the rest of Jupiter Ascending I have a problem with.
I mean, you know those movies that don’t explain their own mythology enough? Yeah, Jupiter Ascending goes to great pains to EXPLAIN EVERYTHING. And dear god it’s FUCKING BORING! AND THE DETAILS ARE PLAIN STUPID!
Let’s start with Jupiter Jones. Firstly, her name. Yes, I get that it justifies the title, and the Wachowskis probably had some esoteric reason for wanting to call it “Jupiter Ascending” (I’m pretty sure Jupiter is an astrological analog for Lucifer, so, yeah, Lucifer Rising), but the last act of the film plays out on Jupiter anyway, so the shit just becomes confusing.
Then again in a movie that has a character named “Balem Abrasax”, I should probably be thanking them from the bottom of my broken ex-stripper heart for “Jupiter Jones”.
My problem with this character is that she wears a permanent resting bitch face for most of the film and is generally a humourlous bore.
Everyone in the movie plays it completely straight, as if doing so would offset the ridiculous nature of the story. It doesn’t, and Jupiter comes across as the type of girl no one would sit next to in class.
Then we’ve got Caine, her sworn loyal protector whose job it is to save her over and over and over again. He’s a genetically spliced half-alien-half-dog fallen angel trying to earn his wings back with some really natty rocket boots that enable him to do pretty much anything he likes, physics be damned!
I mean, I don’t know about you guys, but when my feet suddenly shoot forward at 100 miles an hour, I fucking fall backwards and probably end up with a slipped disc or a cracked skull. That’s why, when they are rigging you up to perform the stunts for this kind of thing, they attach the cables to your WAIST, not your feet, so you don’t end up hanging upside down slapping your face against the tops of buildings as you flit around.
So our two main characters hook up and everythings a bit confusing, so they head over to Sean Bean’s place so Chanty Tatertot can get his shirt off and Bean can deliver endless reams of expositional dialog. Bean just KEEPS FUCKING TALKING, as if rabbiting on about the movie’s mythology and sounding all “sciencey” will prevent his character from being killed off before the second act as has happened in every other mo – no wait, there he goes.
Eventually Caine exceeds the number of action scenes specified in his contract and omits to save Jupiter, so she’s abducted by the alien mercinaries and they all head to space!
Jupiter meets her family, and discovers she was elite alien royalty all along and that the family business is harvesting bodily fluids from people so that other elites can achieve eternal youth by bathing in human jizz.
For someone who has just found out that everyone she’s ever loved was bred as an ingredient in a beauty product for rich asshole aliens, Jupiter really takes it all in her stride, and focusses on more important things, like what she’s wearing.
And occasionally her inappropriate obsession with bestiality.
I mean, I know the theory that women make up their mind about a man’s fuckability in 9 seconds or whatever, but surely the introduction of information that the dude in question is more than 50% genetically canine would sour the deal? Not for Jupiter, she’s even more enthused by the prospect of bestiality than ever! It’s as if fucking a dog has been her real goal all along!
She also has a kind of weird obsession with forcing Caine to refer to her as “your heiness”. She’s nice about it at first, but it’s only a matter of time before their relationship degenrates into choke-holds, screams of “USE MY ROYAL TITLE, BITCH!” and severe scrotum lacerations.
Of course, she’s gotta fill out all the paperwork (Terry Gilliam tribute). Yes, Wacky-owskis, we all love Terry Gilliam, but his movie is a little tonally different from yours, so don’t you think the whole homage to Brazil is a little out of fucking place? In a movie that’s over-long and information-dense as Jupiter Ascending, can’t we just skip the whole paperwork gag?
No way could the lizard's mouth articulate the word with limited jaw movement. I know it's a movie, but it's not the muppets!
Eddie Redmayne turns in a bizarre performance as the main bad guy. Seriously, he sounds like an old man getting a blowjob from a high class hooker, but is so off-his-face drunk from over-endulging in cheap port that he’s unable to come. I mean, listen to it, it’s exactly that, even complete with angry random outbursts of frustration.
He and his siblings spend most of their screen time discussing the miracle of human jizz and lauding Earth as a beautiful and valuable planet, but at the same time bashing the human race at every opportunity. Why all the human-hate, Abrasaxes? What did we ever do to you?
It’s almost as if... there is an agenda at play here... !
Because that’s what they want peeps, they want you to hate your own species and blame humanity for every evil they impose upon the Earth for their own gain and to perpetuate their own power and influence! It’s all our fault, don’t you see? We’re wrecking the planet with carbon, the building blocks of life and simultaneously the most toxic substance to our planet, responsible for global warming, climate change, or whatever flavour of the month scientific babble they are using to describe it these days! It’s not industrial pollution or our corporations’ addiction to and perpetuation of fossil fuel-based energy sources that’s the problem! It’s having warm showers and using plastic bags that’s the real cause! There’s no need to invest in renewable biofuels or clean technology because it’s people farting and shitting like crazy that’s the real problem, sending methane up into the air to trap heat in and make us all in danger of death for having the temperature rise one fucking degree! It’s the farts! The faaaarts! How can we stop ‘em? Only one way, peeps, a massive reduction of the farting shitting population of the planet before it’s too late, to get back to the numbers suggested by RC Christian on the Georgia guidestones, under 500 million. And which 500 million get to survive? I’ll give you one guess. It’s probably not you or I or anyone you care about, it’s the elite bloodline families who have been planning this for generations and are just waiting for their moment to pounce and implement the great clensing of the ages!
And I know... Original sci-fi. We need more of it. We should encourage it.
But is it really original? I mean yes the overall story hasn’t been told this way before, and maybe there’s a really good reason for that, but most of the visual details we’ve seen in better movies like Superman, (list movies ripped off here)...
But perhaps we’d be better served by having The Wachowski LGBTs removed as the figureheads of original sci fi and give someone with talent a go at it? Because making BAD original sci-fi will just discourage studios from producing more.