Note: This is the script for Battlefield Earth - A Popcorn Lobotomy Scathing Review. It contains stuff that didn't make it into the original review, and may have differences due to editing. I hope you enjoy seeing where an episode starts and how it sometimes drifts away from some of the original ideas.
PCL – Battlefield Earth
Int. Cinema. Dark.
(watching end credits, turns to camera)
I just watched Battlefield Earth.
(Hammy maniacal laugh, scene turns blue, camera tilts to the side)
Shots of movie with V.O.
OK, before I start the review, I have something special to present. This is a big moment for Popcorn Lobotomy, folks, so hang on to your butts.
I've managed to obtain rare behind the scenes footage of John Travolta's pitch to the studios that compelled the studios to greenlight Battlefield Earth.
This is never before seen. Until now. Hang on. It's gonna be amazing. I'll play it now. Here it coooomes... here comes the exclusiiive...
For fuck's sake Jason just play the fucking th –
Animation of John Travolta's alien head on his Saturday Night Fever "Stayin' Alive" dance scene body.
So, when Battlefield Earth came out, peeps be worried it was going to be pure Scientology propaganda. But their concerns were proven unfounded, as it's really not that at all.
Which is totally to the films fucking detriment in my opinion, because those origin myths contained in Scientology's supposedly confidential scriptures are way more fucking entertaining than the drivel we got in Battlefield Earth.
I mean, you've got classic antagonist Xenu, intergalactic nuclear wars, and plenty of dead alien baby souls to go around, you know... for the dead alien baby soul coinosseur... !
Hell, slap the title "The cunthood of the Xenu" on it, hire Mel Gibson to direct and you're all set! I'd be queueing up on fucking opening night for that!
But I guess since Scientology charge their cult members half a million dollars to be adorned head fucktard or whatever and have that story bestowed apon them, they decided to go with an entry from L. Ron Hubbard's shitty sci-fi novel collection.
Because, let's face it, if that book was used for anything more than mopping up a teenager's sticky jizz pool after a quick one off the wrist while Mum's watching reruns of "The Bold and the Beautiful", we'd all be pretty fucking flabbergasted.
That's not to say that the movie is completely worthless. Nah, far from it!
I mean... Fans of dutch tilt, for example... they'll be pleased as fucking punch watching this movie.
Likewise, fans of intellectual property theft will be similarly overjoyed. Because this film seems to be cobbled together almost entirely from stolen bits from way better movies.
· Star Wars (wipes and space battles)
· The Matrix (hallway destruction)
· Dark Crystal (brainwashing)
· Braveheart (blue makeup)
· Dances With Wolves (guy blowing horn?)
· Wedlock (neck bands)
· Last of the Mohicans
· Reanimator (syrum / drinks)
· Star Trek The Next Generation (Forest Whittaker = Worf)
· Back to the Future (lightning)
· 01:00:17 - Ref to Obama campaign "yes we can"
· 01:00:19 - Ref to Lost "We have to go back Kate"
· And possibly even Austin Powers! (evil maniacal laughs)
Hell, they even shamelessly plagiarise the music from Terminator, just to top off the pillaging!
Terminator music scene.
Look, the story is so fucking abysmally nonsensical and condescending that it's barely worth mentioning. And we don't have six weeks to cover it all in detail so fuck it.
Seriously, the aliens in this movie would be more likely to phaser their own dicks off than invent interstellar travel.
And anyway, did we really expect a stellar story after all the rumours of the head of Scientology, David Miscavige, rewriting the script and stomping around the set making demands?
However, we very well might have expected the visuals to be pretty spectacular, given the movie was directed by legendary production designer, Roger Christian, who did impeccable work on "Alien" and the "Star Wars" movies.
So why all the stupid, nonsensical details, Christian? I mean, talk about form over function! These aliens apparently have breathing devices that don't fit their noses, headphones that don't contact their ears, spray-painted nerf guns for phasers and repurposed BBQ parts for their consoles.
Oh you worked on Alien did ya, Christian? Well, let's ask Ripley what she thinks of your production design, eh?
Clip from Alien: "Take off, nuke the entire site from orbit. It really is the only way to be sure."
Exactly. Well said Rip.
And why no blood? I mean, we've got aliens getting their limbs cut and blown off regularly (and taking it very well mind you) -- but not a drop of blood in sight?
Oh come on, do we really need to ask? We all know this movie needed a PG rating in order to spread it's blatant propaganda to the masses!
And I'm not talking Scientlogy propaganda here -- I'm talking about the New World Order Alien Agenda!
It's all just a long-con psy-op perpetrated by the elites and executed by the mass media using predictive programming and subliminal messaging to soften us up for great coming alien deception. Oh I see what you're doing you inbred syphillilitic-brained elites, you crafty fucking maniacs, trying to unite the world against a common enemy, all the while plotting full spectrum dominance, big brother surveillance and human repression and slavery the likes of which hasn't been seen since the dark ages! I'm on to you, your arrogant elite bastards! I'm breathing right down your fucking necks! You feel my breath? Do you? DO YOU!? HUH!?
And what about the action? Fight choreography? Cool dog Fights? Cutting edge CGI effects? Sorry, but most of it looks like badly animated Tekken 1 cut scenes.
Add to that, hammy acting, a terrible campy script, ugly blue conematogaphy throughout and some of the worst special effects ever run through a Pentium 5 processor and you've got yourself a a big butt ugly Christmas turkey.
So ok, I know what you're thinking now. Sounds so bad it must be good, right? Worth watching just for the lolz?
No. In fact I'd suggest you'd get more enjoyment from filling your bathtub full of tainted puppy organs and drowning your baby in it.
Drowning babies in tainted puppy organs is not endorsed or encouraged by the narrator.
Look, fine you morbidly curious fuckwads, just don't say I didn't warn you.