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Antichrist - A PCL Scathing Review Script

Posted , by Harv

Note: This is the script for Antichrist - A Popcorn Lobotomy Scathing Review. It contains stuff that didn't make it into the original review, and may have differences due to editing. I hope you enjoy seeing where an episode starts and how it sometimes drifts away from some of the original ideas.

 

PCL – Antichrist

 

By

Harv


 

Int. Cinema. Dark.

Harv

(watching end credits, turns to camera)

I just watched Antichrist. What the FFF --

(raises hands to reveal angle grinder wheels are bolted to his wrists)

[Intro Sequence]

Shots of movie with V.O.

Harv (VO)

Seriously, Lars Von Trier, what the fuck is going on in your head?

 

I’d say it’s time to seek some SERIOUS therapy, but to be honest it was time to do that back in Y2K when you released Dancer in the Dark.

 

Any director that feels the need to sadomasochistically torture his characters like this obviously has mental issues. I just wish he’d work it out with a good therapist instead of imposing his various psychoses on unsuspecting audiences around the world.

 

It’s kinda strange to me that Von Trier had to declare himself a Nazi to end his “Indie Hollywood” career, because in all fairness Antichrist should have been just as effective in doing that.

(clip of Von Trier saying “I understand Hitler”)

Title Card:

"I understand hitler" – Lars Von Fuckface

 

In fact, even with that insane comment, Von Trier managed to get a kind of pass from the establishment. It’s as if being an affable stuttering Dutch dude excuses being a disgusting pig of a man.

(shot of Goldmember eating his own skin)

So Antichrist is Von Trier’s exploration of greif, mental illness and genital mutilation, because, well, Von Trier lives to spread positivity and goodness to his audience.

 

Oh sorry, typo, I meant to say the cunt lives to FUCKING TRAUMATIZE his audience.

 

I mean, really what kind of benefit do we get out of allow –

Sound of a PHONE RINGING.

Harv (VO)

Sorry guys, I’m getting a call. Just hang on a sec, I’ve gotta... take this...

Harv picks up. We hear Lars Von Trier’s Dutch accented voice muted and distorted by the phone.

CUT TO:

Split screen of Von Trier and Harv as they talk.

Lars Von Trier (Phone)

Hello Harvey, I hear you’re talking some shit about my moofie, yah?

Harv (VO)

Well yeah, I’m reviewing Antichrist.

Lars Von Trier (Phone)

How can you criticize it? I’m just giffing the audience what it wants, yah?

Harv (VO)

You think people want to see stillborn baby deer, a woman cutting off her clitoris with scissors, and a guy having his balls crushed and ejaculating blood?

Lars Von Trier (Phone)

Vell of course zey do, fun for the whole family yes? Efen if zey don’t say it out loud, see, people love to see abject human misery and suffering.

Harv (VO)

No Lars, I’m pretty sure it’s just you that wants to see that.

Lars Von Trier (phone)

Well, perhaps if they’d let me show more underage anil rape? Then I coud really begin to entertain, but alas, that is considered pronographie.

Except in Europe. We can show anything in Europe.

Harv (VO)

You’re a sick fuck, Von Trier.

Lars Von Trier (phone)

No! It’s all a religious metaphor, don’t you see!? It’s an inversion of the Christ myth, yah!? It’s intelligent art, I tell you!

Harv (VO)

You said in an interview you have no idea what it all means and you dreamed up the imagary in a shamanic sweat lodge.

Title Card:

"It's not really that difficult to enter the parallel world" – Lars Von Fuckface

Lars Von Trier (phone)

Vell, yess, but... er... what if it’s nature vs nurture – DEATHMATCH style!?

Harv (VO)

I’m hanging up now Lars.

Lars Von Trier (phone)

OK but didn’t you like seeing ze fox eating it’s own asshole?

Harv (VO)

Say goodbye, Lars.

Lars Von Trier (Phone)

(rushing as the phone disconnects)

I’m a Nazi, I understand Hitler! I’m INTERESTING, GODDAMNI –

We hear the muted sound of the busy signal.

Harv (VO)

Look, unless you’re curious to see Willem Dafoe’s cock, (and yes, ladies, he’s quite well-hung), or want to watch two sinewy, spindly actors fuck like a couple of greyhounds fighting over a fake rabbit, or enjoy seeing children and animals suffer, Antichrist is really just another desperate cry for attention from Von Trier – if you will, the movie equivalent of a shock jock radio broadcast.

(show clip from Talk Radio where Barry Champlain says “Yeah yeah, what’s your view on lesbian priests?”)

It’s really a shame, as there was some good acting, beautiful cinematography and a pretty interesting premise here about a couple dealing with the grief of losing their child. The first half of the movie has some really compelling emotional moments, until it all devolves into a macabre Fatal Atraction-esque shock-fest.

(00:16:01:00 - "Sad Defoe")

It’s like Von Trier was making a grounded, realistic drama about grief, but then heard how successful the two Hostel movies had been, and decided to add a sprinkling of torture porn to the proceedings.

(clip of Von Trier saying “Melancholia is the salt you put in the food”)

Title Card:

"Melancholia is the salt you put in the food" – Lars Von Fuckface

 

It’s so confounding and disturbing, some reviewers treated it like a fucking horror movie.

 

OK, I guess you can see SOME parrallels. I mean, the parents lose their kid while they are fucking, so I guess if they were camp counsellors and the kid ended up stalking them to get revenge for their negligence, it’d be a familiar horror trope.

 

You could equally argue it’s a biblical allegory, and many have done so eloquently. I mean yeah, you could say instead of Jesus, it’s Satan, instead of a virgin birth you’ve got a death due to sexual intercourse. Or instead of three wise men celebrating said birth, you have three beggars demanding sacrifice.

 

However, I subscribe to the Roger Ebert school of thought on this: "If you have to ask what something symbolizes, it doesn’t."

 

And if that’s not enough for you, ask Von Trier himself:

Lars Von Trier (VO)

"I am really the wrong person to ask what the film means or why it is as it is. It is a bit like asking the chicken about the chicken soup."

Title Card:

"I am really the wrong person to ask what the film means" – Lars Von Fuckface

Harv (VO)

Fuck, I’d do a conspiracy rant about it, but the truth is I don’t think Lars needs any help from the elites to peddle his negative thoughts and traumatizing visuals.

 

I mean sure, they play right into the elite’s agenda of making humanity despise itself, and probably promotes awesome population control measures like female circumcision, not to mention mass depression and suicide.

 

But the sad truth is, Lars probably just makes these movies because he’s sick and desperately needs some help.

 

If it weren't for the revelationary twist at the end, this movie would have been a dead loss.

 

What's that? You didn't get the twist? Oh it's awesome!

 

Think about it, when the three beggars come back at the end? C'mon they're obviously FORCE GHOSTS!

 

MIND FUCKING BLOWN, RIGHT!? Antichrist was a STAR WARS movie all along!

(show flashbacks to scenes from the movie where objects are replaced with light sabers – ending with the scene where the wife “cleans the saber”)

Harv (VO)

People are going to come out and excuse this film because they want to seem deep or intelligent -- but no one could really ENJOY the experience of watching it, at least not in its entirety.

I’m sure there are even a few mentally unbalanced freaks like Von Trier who just live to see baby birds eaten by ants, but for the 99% of you, who live in the real world and like normal things, such as the smell of freshly shampood puppies, or the taste of ice-cream and berries, just don’t be tempted by this arthouse bullshit when you see it on Netflix.

 

Antichrist. 1.5 stars for the nature photography.