Note: This is the script for Alice in Wonderland - A Popcorn Lobotomy Scathing Review. It contains stuff that didn't make it into the original review, and may have differences due to editing. I hope you enjoy seeing where an episode starts and how it sometimes drifts away from some of the original ideas. The best laid plans and all that...
If you like reading this, let me know in the comments below and I'll post for all the older episodes too.
PCL – Alice in Wonderland
Int. Cinema. Dark.
(watching end credits, turns to camera looking like a Mad Hatter)
I just watched The Revenant. Just kidding, I watched Alice in Wonderland.
(his head spins 360 degrees)
Shots of movie with V.O.
So here’s an interesting question for you. When you’re adapting a 150 year old children’s story that has been read and re-read by almost every human being on the planet, how do you make it interesting?
I mean, everyone knows the story, right? Everyone’s familiar with the characters.
So how do you make the story’s visual form engaging enough to hold an audience’s attention and reinfuse a new sense of wonder into the viewing experience?
Well apparently the studio’s answer was to hire Tim Burton, a true visual auteur, to bring his unique visual style to the proceedings and fill Wonderland with wonder once again.
And fill it with wonder he did! Like, “I wonder why the fuck this movie is worth my 110 minutes of my time,” or “I wonder if I should just turn this bullshit off and go jerk off to pictures of Sarah Underwood?”
I guess they forgot that old “Tim Burntout” has been pretty much making the same fucking movie over and over again for 20 years and has the aesthetic sensibilities of a sexually aroused necrophiliac.
Yes, that’s someone who fucks corpses, don’t look it up.
So we end up with a version of Alice in Wonderland that abandons all that delightfully nonsensical whimsy that Lewis Carroll brought to the book and replaces it with drab, and, in some cases, downright creepy CGI visuals that are more likely to shift the bile from your stomach to the back of your nasal cavity than inject you with a sense of wonder.
(onscreen we see a nice colorful picture of (perhaps cartoon) alice in wonderland with picture adjustment overlays adjusting the “brightness”, “saturation” and “depressing as fuck-ness” – or maybe other settings like “charm”, “delight” and “dirty uncle creepiness”, until we see the Burton version)
Hell, even the fucking tree from “Big Fish” makes another appearance.
But of course, Alice in Wonderland turned out to be box office GOLD, and now the inevitable sequel has made its way onto Disney’s slate.
Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if we see even MORE Alice movies in the coming years: “Alice and the Great Glass Elevator”, “Alice and the Giant Peach”, or maybe the presumably slightly racier “Where the Wild Alices Are” are all possibilities at this point!
Can’t wait for those ones...
Anyway, so you know she’s going to end up going down the rabbit hole and having some kind of acid trip, but before that hijinx, Burton’s version of Alice has her dealing with an arranged marriage to a Lord in the real world.
This establishes Alice as a prejudiced twatt right off the bat, as she’s obviously judging him on the fact that he’s a Fanta-pants, rather than evaluating him on the type of car he drives like women are supposed to, which is FUCKING OUTRAEGOUS to all.
Alice is played by Claire Danes, who... no wait, that’s not fucking Claire Danes! Oh. Well folks, it appears the studio wanted to save money so they took a bit of Claire’s Danes’ armpit hair and made a genetically impure, mentally inferior clone of her to play Alice in the movie.
Fuck me, couldn’t they have waited until the technology was more mature, rather than use under-developed, untested embryo growth technology?
Guys, that’s just creepy! Oh god her chin looks exactly like the head of a penis!
Anyway, Claire Danes’ genetically-challenged clone meanders from scene to scene delivering stilted dialog and completely removing any sense of wonder by commenting repeatedly that it’s all a dream and she can decide how it goes – eventhough she never actually does that once.
And at this point, are people not aware that dreams invariable FEEL real? You don't wander around in dreams saying "oh this is just a fucking dream, I might as well go ahead and give Vlademir Putin that rimjob he wants."
No, it feels real, and you react as if it is. You say “FUCKING HELL VLADIMIR PUTIN WANTS A RIMJOB, I HOPE I CAN BARGAIN HIM DOWN TO A QUICK REACH AROUND SO I DON’T HAVE TO TOUCH MY TONGUE TO HIS ASSHOLE!”
If you're saying, “it's just a dream", then a dream it is probably NOT, see? Oh God now I sound like Lewis Caroll...
(The Castle “tell ‘im ‘e’s dreamin’”)
Regardless, she maintains that ridiculous mantra right to the end, even when early on she tests it out and convinces herself otherwise.
(scenes: Alice pinches herself and says “That’s strange, it usually works”, then “This is a dream, nothing can hurt me” then scene where she immediately gets hurt by the mouse pricking her foot)
Look, I don’t expect a movie to be totally logical, especially a movie like Alice in Wonderland, but I do expect it to maintain it’s own internal logic.
But Alice in Wonderland doesn’t even do THAT.
Instead we get a horse that talks like Mr Ed, a stoner caterpiller, and multiple shots of the tree from “Big Fish”.
And that’s even assuming I forgot the movie for passing up the opportunity to show Alice’s tits while she shrinks and grows like a yoyo for the convenience of the plot.
Which I do. I mean, it’s Disney, I didn’t come here for tits.
And anyway, speaking of internal logic, how come her dress does a different thing everytime she changes size? ... ???
I guess we better mention Johnny Depp and his bizarre portrayal of the Mad Hatter. What the FUCK was going on there? Was he doing a rendition of “Slash” from Guns N’ Roses, or just harking back to some dirty uncle who fiddled with his private parts when he was a toddler?
The Hatter is, I guess, intended to be the heart of this movie, but how can we take him seriously with him acting so creepy and looking like a clown who turned up to the wrong party and got beaten senseless by a bunch of drunk football fans?
Same story with the Red Queen and the White Queen. Everything is so fucking zany, I don’t know who I’m supposed to relate to or what I’m supposed to look for.
And all these characters, anyone notice a theme here? If you ever needed proof Tim Burton is some kind of racist, not only are all the characters in this movie white, but they are made AS WHITE AS FUCKING POSSIBLE.
The actors are made so white, I heard they had to invent a special light meter where the dial goes to 11.
(reference to “Spinal Tap”)
And just when you thoughts things couldn’t get whiter, the fucking White Queen turns up and white the white white white!
OK, maybe Burton isn’t really racist, I shouldn’t accuse him. It’s entirely possible Disney just told him his movies are too dark and they wanted this one lighter. He’s dumb enough to misinterpret that and smear every actor in Japanese ghost movie make up in response.
But I guess that’s the point isn’t it? It’s not supposed to make sense. It’s not supposed to be a fun experience. With all the eye symbolism, checkerboard floors and other Illuminati references, you know it’s created, not just for box office success, but with other nefarious purposes in mind...
Because these psychadellic Disney movies are anything but inoccuous box office money grabs, but instead they are tools used by the elite to facilitate their Monarch Mind Control programming experiments. Along with movies like Wizard of OZ, Charlie and the Chocolate factory and Fantasia, Alice in Wonderland is combined with a shitload of drugs and sadistic torture techniques to freak the fuck out of children as they undergo the process of dissociation to become an industry controlled mind control slave!
Do you really think the ruling elite would create these idols with almost infinite God-like influence over the masses without also controlling the message they put out and the values they embue in their public image? Fuck no they wouldn’t, they would make fucking sure they have complete control over their entire industry so every public face of it is a pawn pushing their agendas and philosophies to the information addled masses!
And it’s not just celebrities, we’re all subjected to it on various levels from childhood. Disney was created as a multi-pronger producer of mind control media, spawned from CIA psy-op propaganda and MK-Ultra experiments with the mission to get to our kids and manipulate their suggestive young minds so that they’ll accept and adopt whatever fucked up beliefs the elites want them to have in their post industrial New World Order.
Monarch Mind control is the primary tool used to construct a full spectrum dominance control grid over each and every soul on the planet a device so large and imposing and all-encompassing that we can’t see the forrest for the the trees! But this is no forrest and there are no fucking trees there’s just a Big Brother government coming down on us like a massive sledge hammer and we’re welcoming it with ignorance, apathy and by allowing our children to consume absolute rubbish like Alice in Wonderland without recognising it as the clandestine weapon of early onset brain damage it truly is!
Anyway, fuck it, I could go on and on, but I already fucking have. I had a bunch more notes, but what’s the point in reviewing a movie adaptation of “Alice in Wonderland” where they think it’s entirely reasonable to change the name “Wonderland” that REFERENCED IN THE TITLE to “Underland”?
Fuck me, really!? What is that? Is that some shit like not saying the word "Zombie" in a zombie movie?
Well I guess we’re just lucky that the original text wasn't called “Alice in Wondercarriage” (pic of girls undercariage), “Alice in Wonderbite” (pic of Alice with an underbite), or “Alice in Wonderacting” (just a pic of the actor playing Alice), huh?
Enjoy the sequel, assholes, thanks for making the original so popular! I’ll think of you all fondly when my girlfriend makes me go to see it in theatres. And if I happen to go into a psychotic state and eat my own eyeballs while watching, I think we’ll all know who to blame! Toodleoo!