Note: This is the script for A Perfect Murder - A Popcorn Lobotomy Scathing Review. It contains stuff that didn't make it into the original review, and may have differences due to editing. I hope you enjoy seeing where an episode starts and how it sometimes drifts away from some of the original ideas.
PCL – A Perfect Murder
Int. Cinema. Dark.
(watching end credits, turns to camera)
I just watched A Perfect Murder.
(hits self in face with frying pan)
Shots of movie with V.O.
As far as I'm concerned, "A Perfect Murder" was ALMOST a perfect stroke of marketing genius.
And no I'm not talking about the idea of re-making a fairly-well-regarded Hitchcock film with modern technology, acclaimed a-list actors, and updated feminist values.
No, because in a year where Titanic cleaned up the awards circuit, Chris Farley died from a drug overdose, and Monical Lewinki bragged about shoving cigars up her twat, some film exec in some office somewhere realized there was a growing legion of Gwyneth Paltrow haters just GAGGING to see the bitch’s pasty white elven face caved in with a frypan.
And fuck me if it didn't work like a charm! The anticipation of watching Paltrow's hideous rat teeth sent shooting into her brain like pocelian bullets was almost too much to bear for any self-respecting Paltrow hating connoiseur like myself.
I mean, sure, we'd had the brilliant Se7en to tide us over for 3 years, but you can only spend so many weeks freeze-framing the shot where you almost get a glimpse of Paltrow's troll-faced decapitated head before the maniacal glee wears off.
By the time A Perfect Murder came around, I think we were all just gagging to take our Paltrow bloodlust to the next level.
But in the end, the film is just a massive cock-tease that never delivers on the epic Paltrow pulverization eagerly anticipated by the audience. In fact, if I didn’t know better, I’d say it seems to delight in repeatedly disappointing viewers by passing up opportunity after opportunity to depict Paltrow undergoing abject suffering and misery.
It reminds me of the time I went to satanic ritual and they just let the baby go.
So the whole thing is an unforgivable bait and switch, but you could probably forgive the movie if it offered anything else of value, but unfortunately it fails on almost every basis a film can be measured.
Michael Douglass plays a barely modified version of his character from The Game in this one, even down to his relationship with the maid, and even THAT performance was just a modified version of his Gordon Gecko schtick.
Viggo Mortein-fly -- or whatever his fucking name is -- seems to be playing Josh Holloway’s Sawyer from Lost.
And of course Gwyneth fucking Paltrow plays her regular old hunch-backed low-talking self.
Everything about this film is so derivative, that at one point I thought it might be a collection of deleted scenes shot for an abandoned plotline of Basic Instinct where Michael Douglass turns out to be the killer!
I mean, yeah, most of it is in focus and well-lit. But of course when you’ve got fucking Gwyneth on the screen with her kit out for half the screen time, focus and lighting are your fucking enemies.
Seriously, if I’d been the cinematographer, I’d have shot the entire thing in silhouette!
I mean, why is she even THERE!? Why is she allowed to be an actress?
Conspiracy rant music.
It’s all just a conspiracy of 13 ancient elite bloodlines working together through generations to keep their entitled inbred offspring in power by subjecting them to a complex Luciferian system of trauma-based Monarch mind control, shattering their minds into multiple dissociative personalities using horrific techniques of drugs, rape and torture that can barely be imagined by the unindoctrinated masses. Yes, Paltrow’s father would have considered her the ideal bombshell starlet candidate with her blonde hair, pasty white skin and blue cow eyes, just like Marilyn Monroe, Mia Farrow, Britney Spears and all the other beta programmed sex kitten before and since. Oh we know all about the MK Ultra mind control experiments of the 50s, elites, we’ve researched, we know you didn’t phase them out. That’s right, elites, we’re keeping tabs! You can’t take a BREATH without us knowing!
Anyway... the script is a mess, with stilted expositional dialog that no human would actually ever say out loud.
There’s even a moment about 100 minutes into the film where Gordon Gecko feels compelled to inform his wife of their legal status.
Footage: “I’m your husband” (00:01:09:13)
C’mon, who talks like that? I dunno, maybe they showed the movie to Leonard from Memento and felt it didn’t reinforce the main characters’ relationship frequently enough.
You can just imagine him up the back of the theatre going “oh right, he's her HUSBAND oh I’m seeing the whole movie in a completely different light now... it’s all making sens – no, wait... lost it... Who’s this ugly hunchbacked waif again!?”
And yeah, there are some twists here, but most of them are clumsily shoehorned in by giving characters bizzarre unmotivated moments of suspicion.
Shots of unmotivated suspicion.
No joke, there must be no less than 25 shots like this in the film. Even the fucking security guard looks suspicious for no reason.
Shot of security guard’s unmotivated suspicion.
At another point, during a boring financial subplot that gets way too much screen time, Gordon Gecko is informed his investments are failing because he was unavailable when they tried to contact him. His reaction?
Michael Douglass yelling: “I said NO CALLS!” (00:01:06:55)
Did anyone even read this drivel before they shot it?
Footage (01:11:15) "I assume you have a reason for asking me to do this."
Actually, character motivation is a major issue with this film throughout.
For example, it’s revealed late in the movie that Aragorn from Lord of the Rings recorded Gordon Gecko asking him to kill his wife.
Right, fair enough, so... why did he go through with the fucking murder attempt, then? He could have just gone to Paltrow, played the recording for her and got her trusting him for life.
I mean, sure, it might have meant throwing the old leg over her a few more times, which would be disgusting since it’s Gwyneth Paltrow, but he’s a professional con artist, I’m sure he could close his eyes and imagine John Hamm from Mad Men, just like he did all those other times.
Footage. Show one of the sex scenes with thought bubble containing John Hamm with his shirt off. (00:00:11:18)
Note I didn’t add the porno music there, that was actually in the movie.
Actually speaking of music, that was pretty fucking weird too. I mean, it was like they tried to cover up how crap the movie was by playing over-dramatic bits from Basic Instinct during the boring scenes.
Footage (00:00:21:33, 00:00:48:18 and 00:01:21:24)
Here’s a bit where Gordon Gecko posts a letter.
And here’s a scene where Aragorn from Lord of the Rings gets off a train.
Honestly, the whole thing has me kind of upset, and I don’t like to talk about it. Which is inconvenient as a reviewer.
I did manage to get a couple of LOLs out of it by imagining my own slapstick sound effects.
This moment for instance:
Footage(00:47:25) with VO
Stick a thermometer in me, I’m done!
Or this one, where I got my cacks imagining the distant fog horns replaced with fart sounds.
Footage (01:04:18) with fart sounds.
And if you prefer horror to comedy, well maybe you’ll get a kick out of the constant horrific threat of seeing Gwyneth Paltrow’s flappy pancake tits.
Int - Cinema. Dark.
(struggling to not throw up)
A Perfect Murder. 2 stars, for the one moment you see Gwyneth Paltrow get punched in the face.